Should I Report My Husband’s Emotional Affair With A Colleague?

My husband has been in at least an emotional affair with a high up HR individual (not completely sure of her title, but I believe she is the HR Director) of the company. He is the Director of Operations at the same company. I am not sure if my husband and I are going to make it through all of this. In an attempt to save our marriage, he has confronted her about his emotional connection to her and the need for some distance.

My husband claims it is due to her training employees that she is with him (Not sure if he is truly wanting her distanced like he says he does or if he is merely saying it), but her schedule aligns with his every week so they travel every week to the same locations.

I have seen her text him to comfort him as things did not go as planned with us during a family weekend trip. The message said … “WOWZERS, I am sooooo sorry you have to deal with that – how are you feeling mad, sad, buzzy???? All I know is you work harder than anyone I know and deserve better. Try to find happiness this weekend and looking forward to seeing you on Monday” – these messages were sent after midnight over that weekend (not sure if my husband had called her to turn to her or texted her for her to respond in that way; he must have initiated something). I have heard rumors that she and my husband are sleeping together and that she has slept with two other men from the company (previously) that were pushed out after they were no longer having relations with her.

This is horrible to have a woman with so much power that obviously has manipulated a few men along the way with her position – I know my husband was shown his position before accepting it and she encouraged him to look at the qualifications – which I later found out she pushed for him to get that role (I do know without a doubt there was no relationship at that time between them (he barely knew her and did not travel at that time).

I know my husband is guilty of being in this situation because when he made a choice (a horrible choice that he says he is trying to fix). This an issue that a Labor Board should be aware of – whether my husband follows through with ending this or we don’t make it I feel this woman has hurt enough people and should not have the power she does. If I was to talk to someone about this would it be the Labor Board in their headquarter’s city. They have a plethora of locations. Thanks for any advice!

Signed–Anxious Wife

Dear Anxious Wife,
This is not an easy time for you. 1. You don’t know if your husband is telling you the truth and if he in fact wants to distance himself from the woman with whom he travels in his work. 2. You ask if you should report her because of her closeness to your husband and if the rumors are fact of her sexual liaisons and the discharge of men once the affair was over. 

Your marriage relationship is the first concern. Candid discussion of what is going on and how it is best resolved is possible. We are not family counselors, but you might want to seek that as an individual or couple. A counselor might advise that you focus on the good things about your marriage and guard against making his relationship with this woman an unrelenting topic. Perhaps your husband did text about what was troubling you and this prompted her midnight empathic text. Rumors will escalate so don’t believe all you hear. There is a tendency to want to vent and to gossip in such times as these. That’s understandable. Reflect on what is positive that will help you cope.  

The second concern entails your husband’s job and troublesome relationship with this woman, who you think has a position of power related to his work. He will have to decide if it is best to request a transfer to end his emotional attachment to this woman you feel is harming your marriage. He might be able to arrange this by talking with his superior or a counselor within his organization. I don’t recommend that you report this woman or do anything that might hurt his standing with the company. Even if and especially if your marriage ends, he and you will want to maintain his earning ability.

Feel free to seek additional advice, we cannot know all the worries you are suffering, but I believe with patience and persistence you and your husband can make decisions that are in your best interest, even though they might not be happy ones. Working together with hands, head and heart takes and makes big WEGOS. If you can share with us what you do to resolve this uneasiness, we can add a postscript to our posting this anonymous  Q&A.  

–William Gorden