Question: Me and my partner are not married. I am 6 months pregnant. In the first quarter of my pregnancy I found out that he was cheating on me and abandoned me during my pregnancy. Can I call his office and complain about him regarding what he did?
Answer: You must surely be going through some very difficult emotional and physical times right now. I hope you have family to support you, and I sincerely urge you to talk to your physician about other resources that can help you through your pregnancy and into a happy life with your baby. You should also seek legal assistance related to child support. Do it now, rather than waiting until the baby is born, because you will have expenses and need extra help before birth, if the baby’s father has left you on your own. If you are unsure about how to proceed, talk to the Social Services program of your county or state and see if they offer assistance.
You could call your partner’s office and complain about him, but it wouldn’t accomplish anything positive. They have no control over his private life and may not even care. They won’t know if you’re telling the truth anyway. They certainly can’t take action about it, since it doesn’t involve his work. If he finds out about you calling, it could be the end of any hope you might have of getting back together. So, don’t do it.
Instead, use this time to evaluate what the relationship was really all about anyway. We are not relationship counselors, but I know from life experiences of my own that sometimes the relationship we thought we had was never exactly an accurate picture of reality. You say you and your partner are not married. If you have been living together and have a commitment to live together and make a family, you would certainly be justified in feeling abandoned. If you live apart or if living together was more of a romantic convenience than a long-term commitment, that’s something else.
I just don’t see how anyone could love someone deeply and leave them at a time like this. If you discussed having a baby and were planning to be a forever family, it’s terrible for him to leave you after you are pregnant. But if he never expected you to get pregnant, and being part of a family was not in his plans, he really wasn’t a partner anyway, he was just a boyfriend who decided to move on rather than be tied down.
Fortunately, we are living in a time when you may feel heartbroken, but you don’t have to feel abandoned and helpless. You can be a single mother who stays strong throughout your pregnancy and further on in your life. You will need assistance, but there is more available now than ever before. The important issue at this point is what is best for your child and you, with your child as the priority. Do you want your son or daughter to be born into a home where the father is an unwilling resident? Do you want your son or daughter to feel abandoned, as you do now, when your partner leaves again? Is he the kind of steady person who will partner with you to teach your child, care and be nurturing when they’re crying all night, supportive when they are having problems at school, loving them unconditionally when they are the least loveable, guiding them to a good career and a great future? Or will you have to be the main parent, even though you’re supposed to have a full partner? Is he being a role-model right now, for how you would want your son or daughter to grow up? What kind of role-model will he be in the coming years? Or would you rather your son or daughter feel safe, secure and loved in a warm and happy home from the very beginning?
I’m not trying to talk you out of a reconciliation or trying to convince you to put him out of your life, but frankly, this so-called partner doesn’t seem to be sharing much with you now that you need him most. You know what you would advise a friend if they were going through the same thing, so I hope you’ll talk to yourself like a friend. Based on what you said about the timeline, your partner has not been with you for several months. If you are thinking about complaining to his office, that indicates to me that you are still inwardly seething with anger, probably all of the time. That’s not good for you or for your baby. Do your best to make a life that doesn’t require your partner for happiness. Then, if he desperately wants to be part of a family with you and his baby, he will do what it takes to make it happen, and it will be frosting on the cake for you.
Going back to your question: The bottom line is that your partner’s work life is separate from his personal life and you won’t get any satisfaction out of calling and complaining about him. Be the strongest and best you that you can be, and move forward on your own. Get as much assistance as possible and protect your mental and physical health, your baby’s health, your happiness, and your financial well-being.
Best wishes. If you have the time and wish to do so, let us know about your success.
Tina Lewis Rowe