Question to Ask the Workplace Doctors about husband and coworker:
My husband is constantly sending text messages to his coworker. I have caught several in which she tells him of her breakup with her boyfriend. He writes back giving support but looking at our phone bill there is so many messages back and forth. Recently he went to Miami and she had put his ticket on her credit card I confronted both and they both said he gave her the money for it. She went several days after to visit her family who lives down there. Now he says he isn’t coming back we have 8- month old twins. I called her and now she is apologetic about getting his ticket and talking to him. They both claim they are only friends. How can I find out if in fact there was an affair?
Our site addresses workplace matters, and yours falls into that category because what happens at work affects one’s life outside of work and especially affects marriage and family. Spouses often have reason to feel rejected because of the demands of a spouse’s work and relationships that develop with coworkers. Sometimes separation and divorce result from what happens at work.You have not said if friendship and love was in short supply between your husband and you. Probably, you have suffered a loss of closeness for some time and your husband has or is finding companionship elsewhere. He has informed you that he “isn’t coming back!” And you are now an abandoned wife with twins.
The question you pose about whether he and his coworker had or have an affair can’t be answered from afar nor should it be your most important concern. Your first concern is finding the strength to be a single parent–to keep your self fit by eating well, getting enough sleep and exercise. Second, you need to learn from your husband how he plans to provide child support if he is definite about not coming back and if he is filing for divorce. Third, depending on his answer and if you have hopes for rekindling your marriage, you will need to seek counseling individually and together. Within a few weeks you will learn if he is willing to try. Fourth, if he has not provided ample child support (providing for twins until 18 years is a huge responsibility), you should seek the help of a divorce attorney quickly. An attorney can begin the process of securing child support and advise you concerning making a case for divorce.
It is possible that being forced to confront the responsibilities of child support, your husband will rethink his “not coming back” decision. It is then that you and he will need to deal with his cause for abandonment and you will need straight talk without blame and holding him guilty of a real or assumed affair. It also is then that straight talk should clarify the unspoken rules about relationship with a coworker in the future.Do these thoughts make sense? If not, hopefully you can seek other advice and at least they will spur you to face this difficult situation courageously and sensibly.
Obviously, you will be consumed with the difficulties of abandonment, but do not allow this to fester into self-blame or hate for your husband. As much as possible, focus your attention on finding the necessary solutions to paying bills and caring for your babies and self. Care for your self means not feeding on being a victim, not obsessively telling others about your troubles, and doing your best to find ways to see the sunshine through the rain. Might you have some hobby, some outlet such as reading, music, singing in a choir, workouts, or yoga, that might nurture the good and winsome sparks within you? That is a spiritual and spirited way to see your situation.
Rejection tests resilience, does not rule out reconciliation, but does not allow denial to rule out realistic facing of moving on. We is still a valued word. Independence is best realized through commitment to interdependence. Our signature Wego symbolized that. Do feel free to let us know what you do.
Follow Up: Thank you very much for your prompt reply. I catch myself in the victim role and try to snap out of it and it is difficult as depression has played a predominant role in my life, but I don’t want to go there as I have two beautiful boys who need a positive role model, love, nurturance and care. The focus you are giving me is correct and yet I feel like a wounded soldier trying to continue marching.My husband calls every other day wanting to know how the twins are doing.
I asked him to send us money and he became upset and said I should go ahead and sue him because I will probably keep “bothering” him the rest of his life (about money). He also said that he does not love me anymore but will always love his children and will provide for them. I cannot trust him based on his actions. I don’t know how I should talk to him on the phone I have anger, resentment, hurt and still some love towards him. He says he does not want to talk about anything and only calls to know how the babes are. I am crazy in that I try to figure out his moods through the sound of his voice!!!!
It is difficult to see a counselor because I don’t have help caring for the twins.You asked if there was love and friendship in our marriage, well, it was very stressful with the babies and he was mostly in a bad mood and gradually he became disengaged in our every day life complaining about everything from my weight to the mattress! He also said I got pregnant on purpose, and he did not plan it but honestly neither did I. He has said so many hurtful things like he cannot stay with me for the sake of the children. I don’t want him to be unhappy and I believe we all need to be happy to make a better world. I sometimes think he is confused but then again I don’t want to kid myself.
Signed, Wisdom seeker
More Advice: Yes, you have been wounded. This additional detail persuades me that you need legal help to get the child support he promises. An attorney should be able to build in her/his fees that your husband should pay in addition to child support. Reflect on being a survivor–a healthy, happy as possible one. This will be a difficult time, but you can survive and later thrive.